Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Hot water rained down my shoulders as I lowered my head into the spray, my tears mixing with the water. My mind was numb; I couldn’t feel much of anything. Despair filled my soul. How many times was this going to happen to me? Covering my mouth with my hand, I sobbed. I didn’t know how much more I could take. If my Boppie had been there she would have told me God was testing me. That the Devil was playing tricks with my soul.

Blood trickled down my leg, mixing with the water, diluting itself as it journeyed to the drain. I wanted to believe. Desperately wanted to believe God was watching out for me. But if that was the case, why would all these things have happened? If God truly loved and cared for me then He would not have allowed my father to molest me, He wouldn’t have allowed Kirk to…to…

Sobs wracked my body once more. I fell to my knees with a pitiful whimper.

Where’s your God now?

His words haunted me, yet made me question. Where was God? Had he deserted me? Deemed me unworthy of his love? I didn’t know. But it sure seemed like he was ignoring my prayers.

I flinched at the knock on the door. My heart sped nine to the dozen in my chest, stealing my breath. The door creaked open and I curled into a ball, shivering despite the hot water. It was Kirk, back for more.

“Ashley?” Jessica’s voice was soft and filled with concern. The curtain was pulled back and she looked down at me, her eyes going wide.

“Oh God, are you okay?” She knelt down beside the tub, switching off the water and yanking a towel off the rack.

I peeked at her over my knees, my lips trembling. I wondered how I looked to her. Naked as I was I couldn’t hide the bruises blooming along my wrists, thighs and ribs. My lower lip felt swollen and sore.

“Y-you fell down the stairs? Kirk said you fell?”” Her wide green eyes searched mine as I stared blankly ahead. Her voice was hopeful, wanting to believe his lie when proof sat trembling before her. Her eyes welled with tears as she wrapped the towel around me and pulled me close.

Her arms were steel bands around my limp body. I shuddered, gasping as the numbness was yanked away and I felt. Oh God, how I felt. With a fierceness I didn’t know I had I wrapped my arms around Jessica, clinging to her. Her quiet sobs shook me, each one bringing a painful memory.

“Where’s your God now.” I muttered the words like a mantra as she lifted me from the tub and into her lap.

“Shh, hush now. I’m here.” Her hands were soft, comforting, and I felt she would do her best to protect me. Just as I knew her best wouldn’t be enough.

“Where’s your God now.”

**********

Margret was either the most naive woman I’d ever met, or truly believed there was some good to be found in her son, for she believed him when he told her I’d fallen down the stairs.

Wrong though it may have been, I denied any need to go to the doctor. The only doctor I knew was Doctor Johnson, I knew he’d see the truth behind the lies, but I couldn’t bring myself to reveal my weakness.

I lived the life of a zombie for the next several weeks. Jessica forced me to get up, to eat, to shower. I began to hate her for it. Why should I live? God had left me. My life was destined to pain. Why perpetuate the cycle?

My eyes had been opened to life’s horrors, and I could no longer shut them out.

Mena and Theresa had tried at first to bring me out of my stupor. Soon though, they gave up. Smart people will only beat their heads against stone walls for so long.

Margret watched me closely, as if she feared I would off myself or something. I’d thought about it, for sure. But if my mother had done nothing else right, she had instilled in me a sense of right and wrong. And I knew that taking my own life was wrong.

And yet…

Dinners were the worst. I hated sitting there, all eyes on me. Some part of me knew this was unhealthy; knew this haze I lived in everyday was bad for me. And yet I did nothing to change it. I picked at my dinner, barely touching it. I’d lost five pounds already and could see the worry in Margret’s eyes.

I did what I could to stay away from Kirk. His eyes were hungry and always on me. I woke in cold sweats each night afraid he would be there standing over me, demanding more.

There were nights I wish he would be there when I woke. The physical trauma would be much easier to bear than the emotional beating I was taking.

I began to dread the coming of school. I could barely contain myself here, what would I be like in a school of hundreds? No matter what I did, August kept coming. It didn’t seem to matter how tightly I closed my eyes, how hard I wished for time to rewind itself. Nothing changed. Nothing but me. Every day I broke just a little bit more. I wasn’t sure how much more of myself I could lose.

“Ashley! Dinner!”

I was laying in bed as was usual, curled up in the blankets. I ignored the call. The thought of eating turned my stomach. Footsteps sounded on the stairs and I rolled onto my side, burying my face into the pillow.

Please, just let them leave me alone.

“Ashley?”

I tensed at the sound of Jessica’s voice. I was a stranger to her now. Funny how a few months could change someone.

Funny. Haha.

“Ashley, its dinner time.”

I pretended not to hear her. Maybe if she thought I was asleep she would just go away and leave me alone.

No dice. I sighed as I felt the bed give to her weight. Twitched when she placed her hand on my hip.

“Ashley…you can’t keep doing this. You’re killing yourself.”

Why should she care if I lived or died? I was nothing to her. She’d gotten what she wanted. Kirk had gotten what he’d wanted. And I was left broken.

“You know why I can’t go down to dinner.” My voice was muffled by pillows, and raw with emotion. My skin itched at the thought of spending an hour sitting across from Kirk, his eyes on me, measuring.

“What is it this time? Afraid Mena’ll steal your meatball?” Jessica scoffed, taking her hand from me.

“Kirk. It’s always Kirk.” I whispered, hating the taste of his name on my tongue.

“Jesus, Ashley, how many times are you gonna try to cause trouble here?”

The disgust in her voice had me turning, confusion coloring my face as I tried to make sense of the emotions riding across hers.

“What are you talking about?”

“You! Ever since you got here you’ve messed everything up!” She launched herself off the bed to pace the room, her hands clenched into fists, her face twisted with rage.

“It was perfect. Everything was perfect, and then Margret got the call. My life was going so right! Kirk was starting to notice me and in two years I’d be out of here and with him. Then she brought you home!” She whirled on me, green eyes flashing with what could only be called loathing.

“I saw how he looked at you. How he watched you. How you encouraged him!”

I shook my head, my heart racing in my chest, tears burning my throat.

“No, Jessica, no.”

“Shut up! He talked about you. And you just ate it up, didn’t you? You loved knowing he wanted you more than me!”

Tears slid down my cheeks as I shook my head fervently.

“You can’t believe that.” I whispered.

“You hated that he chose me. You couldn’t just let me be happy, could you? You had to steal him away from me! Dangle your barely there goods and make him drool!”

I stared at her, unable to speak, unable to breathe even. She couldn’t mean what I thought, I had to be wrong. I had to be wrong.

“Jessica, Kirk…Kirk raped me.”

Pain flared white hot, blinding me. My cheek burned from the impact of her hand. Yet I couldn’t cry. Shock filled me, but I couldn’t cry.

“That’s your story, you little slut.” Her eyes flared with hatred as she raised her hand again.

The blow grazed off my raised forearm hard enough to knock me back. My breath whooshed out of me as she jumped on me, straddling me.

“He still talks about you, you know. Says what a sorry lay you were.” Her face was inches from mine, her breath hot on my face.

“You know what else he says?” She baited me.

I whimpered, too weak to fight her off, too broken to care.

“He says he’s going to do it again. And next time, he’ll bring friends.” She shoved me deeper into the bed, causing me to cry out in pain.

My agony made her laugh, a hard, bitter sound. She climbed off me and moved to the door.

“You’re pathetic, just like your mother. No wonder Daddy Dearest killed her.”

The door clicked shut behind her. The only sound in the room the ticking of the clock and my pounding heart.

Slowly I rose from the bed, each move an agony, and walked to the dresser. My reflection stared back at me. Who was this person? Who was this sad, pathetic, broken little girl before me? Limp hair and hollow eyes stared back at me.

In my mind I screamed at hear. Why didn’t she stand up for herself? Why didn’t she fight back?

“Where’s your God now?”

The memory of those words made me flinch and cry out. I fell to the floor, my body overcome by shudders. On the verge of hysteria I crawled back to the bed, my sanctuary, and climbed into it. Pulling the covers over my head I closed my eyes and shut out the world.

********************

I slipped out of bed as the early pre-dawn light kissed the windows. Squatting down, I pulled my backpack from under my bed. Across the room, Jessica snorted and rolled over. Quietly I crept to the dresser. I’m not staying here any longer, I thought as I started stuffing clothes into my backpack.

Jeans, socks, underwear, sweaters, I shoved it all into my bag. I hesitated as my hand brushed my mother’s letter. Her final words to me. Blinking, I grabbed it and shoved it into the bag.

Somewhere, anywhere, had to be better than another moment here. I looked up, caught by my reflection. I stared at myself, my long hair unkempt, but it was my eyes that caught my attention. A spark, though tiny, glowed within them. Maybe I wasn’t so broken after all.

As the rest of the house awoke, ready to start their day I went through the motions. Comb your hair, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, ignore Kirk, avoid Jessica; all the while thinking, plotting, planning.

“Ashley! You’d better get a move on! You’ll miss the bus.” Margret snapped her fingers before me, shaking her head. “What is with you lately?” She muttered, shuffling away.

Quickly I downed my orange juice, grabbed my bag and darted outside. My feet slapped against the pavement as I ran toward the bus stop. I’d made it out of the house before Kirk and Jessica, now I just needed to make it to the bus stop. Then I could disappear.

A low rumble sounded behind me. I glanced over my shoulder as the yellow bus lumbered up the street.

“No, no, no!” Panting I pushed harder, my legs pumping. The bus shuddered to a stop. Mena and Theresa climbed on, little Benny behind them. With a squeak the doors slid closed and the bus rumbled away in a cloud of exhaust.

“Shit.” I kicked the ground, bending over and placing my hands on my knees as I sucked in air. It didn’t matter. It only meant more walking. Squaring my shoulders I hitched my bag up higher and started on.

A breeze teased my face, playing its fingers through my hair. For the first time in my life I felt light, free.

“Want a ride?”

Instantly my skin went cold, tight. I stopped in my tracks, my heart pounding as I turned. Kirk and Jessica stared out at me from the Jeep. Kirk wore a light, teasing smile, his eyes sliding over my body.

“Looking good, Ash.” He winked.

“Ugh, let’s go, Kirk. Look at her, she’s shaking. Pathetic.” Jessica flipped her hair over her shoulder, turning from me.

“Just let her walk, Babe. I’ll make it worth your while.” She purred, leaning closer.

I watched in disgust as his eyes darkened, his color rose.

“See you at school, Ash.”

Kirk licked his lips at me, an obscene gesture, then gunned the engine and sped off down the street. My body shook as I watched the Jeep disappear.

Bastard, that bastard!

Fury fueled my steps as I started forward. How could he? How could I? Why did I let him do this to me? My nails bit into my palms as I raced down the sidewalk, my backpack slapping against me.

Thump, thump, thump.

Tears poured down my cheeks. This is it. My chance. I didn’t need Margaret with her rapist son. I didn’t need Jessica. Bipolar bitch.

Concrete gave way to dirt, and dirt to grass before I stopped, lungs burning. I looked around, wiping tears and snot from my cheeks. I didn’t have to wonder where I was. How I’d made it across town so quickly was beyond me.

For late August the air was still warm, Summer still had her claws in the season, refusing to release it to Autumn. The grass was springy beneath my feet as I made my way. Sunlight glinted off the plaques, the scent of flowers tinged the air. Color ran rampant here, in this place of quiet and loss.

I blinked when my feet stopped. I stared down at the headstone, my pulse thrumming in my ears.

“Here lies Lilly Elizabeth Jones, Loving wife and Mother.”

"Loving?" I snorted, rage boiling inside me. "If you were loving you would have left that monster!" I shouted at the slate gray headstone.

I wanted to kick it, hit it, tear it apart. Something; anything to dull the pain and rage. But broken toes would do me no good. I paced in front of the headstone anger ruling my thoughts.

"Why didn't you leave him Mom? Why did you freaking stay? You knew what kind of monster he was! You should have been able to see how black his damn soul was! Why did you stay?"

"Why didn't you love me enough to take me away? Why weren't you strong enough to walk away and save yourself!?"

I sank to my knees, the grass damp with early morning dew. My chest heaved as I cried. Fists balled I pounded the ground.

"It’s your fault! All of it! Him killing you, me being molested, raped. Tortured! How could you leave me here like this!” Throwing back my head I screamed. I screamed out my rage, my panic, my pain, my loss. I screamed until I was afraid I wouldn’t quit.

I grabbed great handfuls of grass and tugged. The lush lawn ripped free of the ground, dirt caked under my nails. I hurled the handfuls of ground at the headstone.

My body spent I fell over, sobbing. I curled up against the cold stone, shaking with my tears.

“He hurt me, mommy. He hurt me so bad. I’m so lost.”

The sun crept higher in the sky, birds sang and squirrels danced. In the distance I heard the steady thrum of cars. Blips of rock, rap and Jazz filtered to me. A leaf slithered on the wind, twisting and twirling before slapping me in the face. The shock brought me out of my stupor. I unwound myself from the headstone, wincing at the stiffness.

Slowly I got to my feet, shouldered my bag and stared at the headstone.

Here lies Lilly Elizabeth Jones.

”Why didn't you leave?" I whispered, suddenly exhausted. "Why didn't you just leave?"

Chapter Six

Chapter Six


The next eight months of my life flashed by. School let out and before I was ready June took over. I’d turned fifteen, had lost my crush on Doctor Johnson, broke my first heart, but was still unable to legally work.
Jessica found a full time job at a local clothing store and was gone most of the time. Our relationship had been badly bruised, but I was determined to repair it. She promised we would spend as much time as possible together over the summer, but I wasn’t holding my breath.
Her relationship with Kirk was no longer a secret. I could still remember the look on Margret’s face when she’d caught Jessica coming out of Kirk’s room. The shock and hurt was etched into my memory. Many tears had been shed that week.
Jessica was still walking a fine line with Margret, but things were slowly becoming more relaxed in the house. The fact that Jessica had a job helped her cause.
I was sure that once the truth of Kirk and Jessica’s relationship came out things would be easier for me. Oh, how wrong I was.
More than ever I felt the weight of Kirk’s stare. It was as if his eyes were everywhere at once. It seemed no matter where I was in the house, he found me. Dark eyes constantly watching, sending chills skating along my spine.
Jessica, it seemed, was the only one who could keep him in line. She had a bargaining chip now and, sadly, she used it. A stern look usually headed off any unwanted advancement in my direction. I dreaded the day she would leave for college.
It was a glorious Saturday. The sky was painfully blue with tatters of cloud drifting lazily along it. Birds sang happily and squirrels scampered along the lawn. I sat at the kitchen table reading and nibbling on a sandwich. Mr. George, my Junior English teacher, had given out a summer reading list. I was already three books in with seven to go. As I lifted my sandwich for a bite, I realized I wasn’t alone.
“I thought you’d left with Margret and the girls.” I asked, forcing the bite down my throat.
“Why would I want to spend hours shopping with three women?” Kirk smiled as he stepped into the kitchen, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door frame.
I shrugged, trying to ignore the leering grin he was giving me. I glanced at the clock, groaning inwardly. Jessica wouldn’t be home for another hour. He stared at me for a long moment, making my skin crawl. Sighing in annoyance, I put my books aside and looked up at him.
“Something I can help you with?”
“Did you know you wrinkle your nose when you concentrate?”
I looked up at him, startled to find him so close. When had he moved from the doorway? I wanted him to go away, I just wanted to be alone and finish my book.
“No, I didn’t know that. No one pays attention to me.” Lifting the book I attempted to lose myself in its pages, but his nearness was distracting.
Kirk stepped up to my chair, staring down at me, his scent filling my nose. I resisted the urge to shudder as he lowered himself into the chair at my side.
“I notice you, Ashley. I notice everything about you. The way you walk, the way you smile when you think no one’s watching. The way you brush your hair.” Reaching out, he ran his fingers through my hair, his fingertips brushing along the nape of my neck.
I shot out of my chair, my plate clattering to the ground. My heart sat somewhere in my throat, my pulse buzzing in my ears. I crossed my arms over my chest in defense. Despite my sweater I was chilled.
“Leave me alone.” I croaked, panic tinting my voice.
“Don’t play hard to get, Ashley. I’ve seen you watching me. I’ve seen how you look at me with Jessica.” He rose from the chair, his lean body oddly graceful as he stepped toward me. His eyes were alight with an inner fire I’d never seen before.
I stepped back, he moved forward. We’d entered into a strange dance, the hunter and the prey. My breath caught in my throat as I backed into the wall.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My breath hitched. I fisted my hands, my nails biting into my palms to keep the tears at bay. God, please, send Margret home!
“It’s time to give into temptation.” He growled.
Before I knew what was happening he had one large hand at the base of my neck, pressing his hot lips to mine.
I tried to scream, beating my hands against his chest, trying to push him away. I struggled, his lips hot against my neck. Knowing nothing else to do, I slapped him.
He broke away, swearing. A small line of blood trickled down from below his right eye. His eyes darkened in rage. Before he could move I kicked him in the shin and ran around the table. I heard him swear, but he recovered quickly and gave chase.
Fear stole my air; my breath came in short pants as I made my way to the stairwell. I gripped the banister, sighing in relief. All I had to do was make it to my room, lock the door and wait for Margret to come. Just twelve steps.
One, two, three.
I screamed as his arms came around my waist, lifting me from the stairs with ease. I kicked and flailed, smashing his nose with my fist. He grunted, flinging my aside. I hit the floor with a jarring thump, my breath deserting me in a whoosh.
I whimpered as I rolled onto my side, my body screaming in pain as I struggled to crawl away. Kirk moved over me, straddling me, leaning closer, his breath hot on my skin.
“No…No!” I cried out as he reached for me. With an inhuman scream I drew on my strength and rose up, using my nails to rend his face. Blood gushed from three deep gashes, and my soul cheered.
Kirk swore, slamming me into the floor. The pain was amazing. I felt as if my head had exploded. Tears poured down my cheeks.
“You stupid Bitch! Did you think I wouldn’t know? Did you think you’d gotten away with it? I’ll show you, you fucking brat. I’ll show you.” His voice was a fierce growl floating in my brain. He gripped my wrists in his large hand, yanking my arms above my head.
“God! No! Leave me alone!” I wailed, shaking my head and bucking my body in an effort to dislodge him.
“God can’t help you now, you little cock tease. But I’m going to show you. I’m going to give you just what you need.”
The sound of his zipper screamed through my head, igniting my soul. Oh God, please send me an angel. Save me, oh Lord!
Prayers reverberated through my head, pleading with God to rescue me from this fate. I was sobbing uncontrollably now, tears streaming into my hair, my ears. Somewhere deep in my mind I knew what was going to happen, was even counseling myself on how to deal with it. Yet my heart wept.
“You know,” Kirk leaned close, his eyes hot, insane, as he caressed my cheek. “I was all about Jessica before you came. I knew I’d have her at some point. But you, you,” He laughed, a dark, dangerous sound. “Are just so much more interesting.”
His hand moved along my side, slipping under my sweater. I whimpered incoherently, begging for him to stop, bucking and jerking.
“I know you had the hots for your doctor. I bet you wish it was him, you little slut.”
His hand closed over my breast. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I jerked when he unclasped my jeans; screamed at the sound of my zipper. Struggling, fighting. Useless.
“I’m not your doctor.” He growled, yanking my jeans down.
With one final effort I rolled to the side and sunk my teeth into his wrist. I bit down hard, until blood flowed into my mouth. I gagged, coughing on the metallic taste.
Kirk roared in pain, ripping his wrist from my mouth. He swore at me, but I didn’t hear it. His hands came down upon my throat, cutting off my air. I kicked, digging my nails into his wrists. With a growl he lifted my head and slammed it into the floor.
Stars filled my vision, as the world dimmed. I felt my jeans being yanked from me, heard Kirk muttering. My head rolled to the side and I caught sight of Benny’s teddy bear. The sad little toy bearing witness this act of horror.
“Where’s your God now?”
Tears clogged my throat as my world shattered.
I blinked.

Chapter Five

Chapter 5

The next few weeks were full of tension and attention.

Margret fussed over me non-stop. She kept me out of school for a week, which was longer than necessary, in my opinion. It was a sweet gesture, and she never asked questions, so I allowed her the time to worry.

Jessica and Kirk, however, were another matter. Jessica walked on eggs shells around me, which quickly became annoying. I began spending more time with Mena and Theresa. I helped them with their homework and finally got to know them. Mena was my favorite of the two, though I would never admit to it. She was so exuberant. Always wearing a smile she never failed to lift my mood. Theresa was quieter, more studious, and yet still kind and fun to be around. She and I spent many hours in discussion of books we’d both read.

Jessica was my faithful shadow when she wasn’t with Kirk. For someone who wanted to hide her relationship, she was doing a mighty poor job of it.

Kirk continued casting murderous glares in my direction. He watched me even closer than before, and I felt as if I were living in a pressure cooker. The tension was building and about to explode.

Compared to the craziness of my home life, school was a blessing. I was pulling straight A’s and currently maintaining a hefty crush on both my doctor and my English teacher. I knew it was silly, but I was fourteen and found I quite enjoyed my imaginings.

I looked up at the brisk knock on the door. Jessica was out with friends, so I knew it couldn’t be her. Mena and Theresa had ceased to knock since we’d gotten closer.

“Come in.” I invited, closing my book and setting it on the nightstand.

Margret poked her head into the room, her frizzy red hair forming an odd halo that somehow complemented her eyes.

“Are you ready to go, Dear?” She asked softly, stepping into the room.

I’d tried to hate her on principle. Now I wondered if there was a way to hate her. Kirk certainly did. It broke my heart to see the look on her face every time he snapped at her.

“Ready?” I asked, confusion coloring my face as I rose and crossed to her.

“Your final appointment with Doctor Johnson is today, Darling.”

How could I have forgotten? “I’m ready.” I quickly grabbed my purse and beamed at Margret.

The ride to the doctor’s office wasn’t long. I hummed along to the radio as Margret pulled into the parking lot. I reached for the door handle but stopped when she laid a hand on my arm.

“Ashley, I need to ask you something.” Margret hesitated a moment before turning her eyes on me. Their blue depths held an unsettling mixture of sorrow and hope.

“Margret?” I asked, unsure. It was a rare thing to see Margret like this, and I found I greatly missed her happy-go-lucky self. My fingers tightened on the door handle as unease filled me.

“Did Kirk tell me the truth, Ashley? Did you skip school to get high?” Her words were so soft I had to strain to hear.

I stared at her, speechless. Would she, could she, believe the truth? Would she believe me if I told her that her son and the girl she viewed as her own daughter had lied to her? Were lying to her?

My stomach churned at the thought of lying. This woman had opened her home to me when I had nowhere else to go. I prayed God would offer me some wisdom.

“Margret,” I lifted my chin, looking her in the eye. I felt as if a stone had lodged itself in my throat. “I have never skipped school for anything.”

It was as good as it would get. I couldn’t lie, not to Margret. Yet even in the wake of her betrayal, I just couldn’t out Jessica. She was still my friend.

Margret watched me for a moment before looking out the window. She sat there, her face a somber mask, eyes alight with emotion. She had heard the truth that lived behind my words. I shuttered out a soft breath, my hand relaxing on the door handle.

“Thank you.” She whispered, her eyes locked on the windshield, seeing only God knew what.

I ached to reach out, to offer her some comfort. But what could I do? Silently we climbed from the car and walked into the elegant complex.

Doctor Johnson’s office was furnished with deep cushioned chairs in burgundy and gold. The tables were cherry oak, the walls a pale gold brocade with cream baseboards. The turning of magazine pages, muffled coughs and sniffles filled the room. A secretary sat behind a desk typing away, surrounded by a protective bubble of glass.

Clack clack clackity clack

I resisted the urge to knot my fingers, and instead fiddled with the hem of my shirt. This was to be my last visit with Doctor Johnson. I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t sad. My young heart fluttered with every smile, every wink. When we were alone I felt so special, like I was the only person in the world to him. Like I was a woman. A blush crept up my cheeks as I recalled the last thing he’d said to me.

“Going to be a beautiful woman, I’m sure she’ll break a lot of hearts.” He’d said offhandedly as he’d gone over my chart. Margret had agreed before she’d had to step out to answer her phone.

“She’s already won mine.” He’d muttered to me as he patted my thigh. I thought I’d die right there. When Margret had come back in he’d stepped aside, shooting me a grin.

I sighed as they called my name. Margret, misinterpreting my sigh, patted my thigh. “Buck up now, it’ll be over shortly.”

A young nurse led us to a room. “The Doctor will be right with you.” Smiling as she closed the door. I climbed up onto the examination table, twiddling with my fingers. Margret sat in the chair provided and we waited. My stomach lurched when the door opened and he walked in.

“Well, hello again.” Doctor Johnson said with a grin, flashing his perfect white teeth. Tiny crinkles formed in the corners of his eyes, and my fingers itched to trace each one.

“Hello.” I responded, my face burning with embarrassment. I suddenly found my hands very interesting.

His soft chuckle caressed my ear drums, sending my heart into overdrive. I looked up into his twinkling blue eyes as he stepped closer.

“How are you feeling today?” His eyes stayed on mine, though he seemed to be looking over my chart. I suddenly wished Margret wasn’t in the room. I yearned for what might happen if I were alone with him. The thought caused me panic, and yet excited me.

“I’m fine. My rash is gone.” My voice sounded funny to my ears, high and nervous. If he noticed, he said nothing.

“Good, that’s good.” Doctor Johnson beamed at me once more, placing his stethoscope into his ears. His examination was quick and professional. If his hand lingered on my shoulder, I didn’t mind. If my heart slammed against my ribs, singing his name, he only smiled. Before I knew it, before I was ready, it was over.

“Alright, Ashley. Stay on your meds for another week, just to make sure the rash is gone. I won’t need to see you again.” It could have just been my imaginings, but the smile he offered seemed decidedly sad. Something in my heart echoed his smile.

The ride home was filled with tension. My stomach churned with nerves. What would happen when we got home? Would Kirk know I’d betrayed him to his mother? Would I betray myself to him? I’d never been a good liar.

Worry ate away at me as we pulled into the driveway. It would be what it will be. My mother had been fond of saying that. Closing my eyes, I prayed to God for guidance, and then walked into the house.

Chapter Four

Chapter Four


I hated it when my mother played mother. She was so bad at it now. She hadn’t always been, but as the years passed, the abuse escalated, and she became worse.
I finally convinced her that I could manage without her. Reminding her of the need for her to get dressed sent her racing from the room. I sighed in relief as the door whispered closed behind her. Sinking down onto my vanity seat, I ran my fingers through my hair. I wished, as I often did, that I had my mother’s blond tresses.
Alas, I’d been blessed with Harold’s color, a deep chestnut. Swiveling around I looked in the mirror. I had Lilly’s eyes at least. A deep blue ringed by violet.
But unlike her soulless windows, my eyes screamed of dreams and wishes. Lifting the brush I pulled it through my hair. If left down it would fall well past my shoulders, but for an event like tonight an up-do was in order. I placed delicate clips in perfect locations. The clips were one of a kind, a flashy gift Harold had gotten on a trip to Italy. Each tiny piece was a different color glass. They were beautiful, but lacked any warmth despite their fiery colors.
I painted my lips a demure pink, my eyes a lovely shade of grey. I slipped the ivory dress over my head, listening to the silk sigh over my skin. It hovered just above my knees, kissing my thighs. I stared at an image in the mirror who was not I.
The young woman looking back at me could have more easily passed for twenty than my meager fourteen years. The long hair piled high on her head, sultry eyes staring back. The dress hugged a figure I didn’t know I had. I slipped on the matching shoes and after a last long look, stepped out of the bathroom.
The rabbit lined coat would match nicely and would ward off the night time chill as well, I thought walking into my room to retrieve it.
He was waiting for me as I opened the door. I stopped short in the doorway. He never came into my room. It was my domain. The one place untouched by his hate. My skin crawled seeing him sitting on my bed, his thick fingers tracing the curve of my lamp.
“I thought you might like this.” He was holding my jacket, stroking the innocent fur as his eyes moved over my body. I felt my throat close up as I tried to swallow.
Mutely I extended my hand, my heart fluttering in my chest. He stood moving too close to me. After a tense moment he dropped the jacket into my hand then left the room.
Air exploded from my lungs. My knees shook so hard I fell to the floor. I wanted to cry, wanted to curl up in a ball and weep. Somehow I didn’t.
The ride to the party was long and silent. My mother looked like a wood nymph in green satin. Satin for the wife, silk for the daughter. My brain was too wired to figure that one out. I felt high, not that I really knew what being high felt like, but I was sure it would be something like this.
The party was loud and crowded. People filled the parlor, smells mingling and mixing into an oddly intoxicating scent. Somewhere beneath the alcohol, body musk and perfume was the smell of something delicious cooking.
Harold took my elbow and led me around the many rooms, whipping me from one face to the next until it all became a blur. Eventually I managed to slip away, snagging a few hors d’oeuvres as my body screamed for a few minutes of quiet, some place to be alone.
A pair of French doors opened onto a small terrace. Small was a relative term in the eyes of the wealthy. The terrace was easily the size of half a basket ball court, and lined with overflowing flower pots. I stared at the flowers, feeling sorry for them. Overcrowded all the time, most of them reaching for a sun they would never see.
I stood there in the dark, the chill night washing over my skin, my heart weeping for the flowers. The scent of lilacs filled the air and I felt pure, able to breathe again. With the cool air seeping into my pores, I was tempted to let my hair down, but the gentle wind felt so nice on my bare shoulders.
Closing my eyes I listened as the night birds called to one another. I couldn’t say how long I stood there, breathing in the night, but I remember the moment I sensed him. My body tightened suddenly, from my toes to my nipples. My breath caught and my peace broke. In my mind I watched it break. Tiny pieces falling and shattering; shards of precious peace slipping away into the inky night.
Hands came down on my shoulders and locked me in place. I couldn’t move. It was as if I were frozen.
“Such a lovely place isn’t it, Ashley?” His words were thick, colored with the brandy he so loved. His hands were greasy against my skin. I willed my body to thaw, to run, to move at all.
I blinked.
“You look so…lovely.”
My heart slammed against my ribs, trying to break free of this frozen shell. And then it happened.
I was no longer myself. I was a bird on a branch, an innocent bystander. I felt his hands on my thighs, but they were not my thighs, but they were not my thighs. Climbing higher now to my breasts. Were they mine anymore?
I’m a bird. A beautiful, free bird, flying high into the night away from the despicable scene below me.
I slammed back into myself when he invaded me. A crystalline tear slid down my frozen cheek as my heart broke into a million pieces. A scream fought to break free, ripping its claws against my throat. My mind screamed at him, at me, at the world. I watched the diamond sphere shatter on the ground. Then the world broke.
The lovely marble tile rose up abruptly, eager to meet my face. Pain bloomed and blood trickled from my temple.
A wonderful green whirlwind attacked him. The sounds it made were frightening, something from a nightmare. I pushed myself to my elbow, watching in silent horror as the tiny form of my mother came into focus.
She was amazing. She bit, scratched, tore and shrieked. Harold made a frantic grab for her hair, his eyes going wide with panic when she eluded him. With a howl of fury he managed to grab her, flipping her over his shoulder. Cussing and screaming her threw her to the ground. She was at him in an instant, her nails turned talons bent on rending his perfect flesh.
My heart soared as she lunged, ripping her nails into his cheek. She sounded feral. My brain screamed encouragement, though my mouth was once more defective. People were coming now, to see what the noise and commotion were all about. Someone pulled me to my feet, rough hands on frozen skin. My barrette fell from my hair. I watched it fall, entranced. A tiny masterpiece. One of a kind. It hit the marble and broke, pieces scattering, crushed by shoes.
From eyes no longer mine I watched in unbearable horror as Harold roared, then flung my mother from him and over the terrace railing. Her slender hands grasped the air for purchase that would never be found. Her wide violet eyes found mine, fear seeping into my soul. The crowd surged forward, battering me.
And then there was screaming. An inhuman sound broke the night, chilling the soul. Only too late did I realize the sound came from me.


**********

“She’s alive, barely.” Richard Johnson had spent most of his day being followed by a third year medical student, and was currently on his twenty-sixth hour awake. His eyes were tired and his body was sagging from the two hours he’d fought to save the life of Ashley Marie Jones.
“Oh, thank God.” Jessica dropped her head into her hands, tears sliding down her cheeks. Kirk placed his hand on her thigh, squeezing reassuringly.
“Thank you, Doctor. We sure were worried.” Kirk stood and extended his hand.
Richard looked over the young man with an internal sigh. He knew his type, eighteen, pretty boy with entitlement issues. He knew it was petty and rude but he ignored the proffered hand, tapping his clipboard against his thigh and leveling the young man with a somber look.
“That girl in there almost died from a severe allergic reaction. As far as I’m concerned you’re both culpable.”
Kirk glared at the young doctor, a sneer turning up his lips and baring his teeth.
“Lucky for us we’re not her guardian.”
Richard jerked his head back as if he’d been slapped. There was more here than just entitlement issues.
“When will she be able to come home? Soon?”
Richard’s tired eyes moved to the red head beside the young man, Kirk if he remembered correctly. So young, they were all so young these days. Young and naive.
“She’s stable and eating now. I’m going to monitor her vitals for another hour, maybe two, and then I’ll release her to her guardian. But I will warn you, if she ever gets into a situation like this again it could kill her.”
Jessica nodded, pressing her hands to her mouth, tears staining her cheeks. Kirk wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close.
“Thank you for the information, Doctor.” Kirk sneered, his tone one of dismissal.
Richard stood there a moment; part of him rebelling against the young man’s tone. It was useless of course. He saw kids like this every day. Good kids falling in with the bad. All he could do now was treat his patient and pray for her well being.
Kirk’s grip tightened as Dr. Johnson walked away. Jessica bit back a yelp as he jerked her toward a chair and pushed her into it. He gripped her chin with such force that she cried out in pain.
“Listen closely. We got to school and saw Ashley leaving the grounds with a group of kids. We followed her for her own safety. You saw her pass out and we rushed her here. Understand?” His words were matter of fact, lined with a deadly menace. His dark eyes, bright with challenge, were frightening.
Jessica nodded, pressing her lips together. The threat in his tone was barely concealed. She knew what he was capable of. Wasn’t that what had attracted her to him? The possibility of danger was too sweet to pass up. Her heart slammed in her chest. She let loose a breath she hadn’t been aware of holding when he looked away from her.
The doors slid open and Margret rushed in, her eyes wild and frantic. She hurried toward Kirk and Jessica, her appearance more disheveled than normal.
“What happened? The school called and said you three never showed up! And then I get a call from the hospital. The hospital! Kirkland Ray Kessler you better explain right now!” Margret’s face was a worrisome shade of red, her voice rising in pitch as she addressed her son. She did everything but stomp her feet.
Jessica rushed into Margret’s arms, sobbing as Kirk calmly and expertly lied to his mother.
Margret murmured words of comfort to Jessica, stroking her hair and leading her to a nearby chair. After calming her down, she hustled off to find Doctor Johnson, and fill out paperwork.
Jessica watched her leave. She flinched when Kirk placed his hand on her thigh.
“I never got a chance to tell you how amazing you were.” His voice was soft, barely above a whisper.
Jessica stared at him blankly; her eyes rimmed red, her thigh growing warm under his touch.
“You didn’t forget, did you?” Kirk’s tone was mocking as he leaned closer, his lips brushing her earlobe. “I know I won’t.”
No, she hadn’t forgotten. She would never forget, though her memories were covered with a haze. She would never forget the way his hands felt moving over her body, his mouth upon her, the weight of his flesh. She was certain she would never forget the sounds. Ashley moaning as fever burned through her, Todd’s awful high pitched giggling, the sound of flesh against flesh, Kirk’s growl as he took her, claiming her forever as his own.
A single tear slide down her cheek at the memory. She’d done it out of love, so why did she feel so dirty? So used?
Kirk smiled at her, his eyes filled with a dark insatiable hunger. Her body quivered in response. No matter what her mind said, she couldn’t deny her heart. And her heart wanted him as badly as ever.

**********

I felt as if a thick black blanket had been pulled over me. It was hard to hear, and nearly impossible to open my eyes. Through the muck and darkness I heard Margret’s voice, and the voice of another, lower, smooth, but unrecognizable.
I felt warmth and pressure on my hand. If I concentrated I knew I could squeeze her hand. Mustering what felt like all of my strength I did just that. I couldn’t believe how weak the action left me.
“Doctor Johnson! She squeezed my hand; I think she might be coming around!” Margret’s voice was a mixture of excitement and hysterical panic.
The panic made my heart stutter. Just how bad was I? If she was so excited about me squeezing her hand, I had to have been pretty damn bad. Using what felt like the last of my strength I forced my eyes open.
I blinked rapidly to clear my vision. When my eyes focused I found myself staring up into unbelievably blue eyes, and a gentle smile.
“Welcome back, Ashley.” His voice was a low rumble, the ocean rolling over rocks, soothing and comforting at the same time. He looked young, possibly in his late twenties, and devastatingly handsome.
“Hello.” My voice was rough, scratchy against my throat. I struggled to push myself into a sitting position. The effort left me breathless.
“What happened?”
“Don’t you remember, dear?” Margret asked, gripping my hand so tightly I winced. Her eyes were wide pools of concern. I forced a smile.
The truth was I did remember. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was the result of the high. I pressed my eyes closed as images swarmed me.
Todd and Kirk’s leering faces; Jessica swaying to the music her top gone; Jessica and Kirk moving together, swaying, tumbling. I shook my head to clear the unwanted images.
“Ashley, do you remember what happened?” Margret’s voice wobbled with nerves and unshed tears. How could someone who’d known me for so short a time, cry so much over me?
“No, Ma’am. I’m sorry, but I don’t.” I looked away from Margret only to find myself pinned under the Doctor’s steady gaze. His eyes were the most beautiful blue I’d ever seen. His lips had a soft, lush look to them. His hair was blond, and so thick my fingers itched to run through it. His gaze set my heart to pounding. Some part of me recognized the look that lurked there and was certain something close to it lurked in my own eyes.
“That’s not unusual, Mrs. Kessler. A reaction as severe as Ashley’s can effect short term memory.” His eyes never left mine, his lips quirking in a soft smile.
“I’d like to see Ashley again in two weeks, Mrs. Kessler. I have an office downtown, if you’d make an appointment with my secretary?”
Margret nodded, squeezing my hand. “Of course Doctor, may I take her home now?”
Doctor Johnson consulted his clipboard before answering.
“I don’t see why not. She’ll be a little groggy for a while, but her stats are fine. Goodbye Ashley. See you soon.”
I nodded, unable to find my voice. His eyes stayed with me a moment longer, long enough to make my skin burn with embarrassment, then he was gone.
My life seemed to speed up at that point. Everything rolled into one big blur of movement and motion. Faces flew by, as if I’d stepped onto some nightmare carousel. I breathed a sigh of relief when we pulled into the driveway of the Kessler home.
All I could think of was getting to my room and crawling into bed. Jessica helped me from the van, wrapping her arm around my waist. I couldn’t help but lean on her, though it was the last thing I wanted. My heart beat in shattered pieces; my mind couldn’t, or wouldn’t, wrap itself around her betrayal.
She led me silently up the stairs. Behind us Margret reassured the younger children while telling them to try and stay quiet while I rested.
Kirk’s dark eyes loomed out at me from the photographs lining the wall. A few deep breaths eased most of the chills that dark gaze brought on.
My bedroom was like a haven, safe, clean and untouched. I couldn’t wait to sink into the soft, clean blankets. I sighed as I did just that.
“Ashley?”
I groaned a response, not turning toward her. The evidence of her betrayal lay in the tone of her voice.
“I’m sorry I got you into that mess.”
I stared at the wall, my back to her, heart breaking, I hadn’t thought it was possible for it to break again. Tears slid down my cheeks as the silence hung between us.
“I just wanted you to know that.”
I listened to the rustle of her clothes as she stood; the soft pad of her feet, the clicking of the latch on the door.
When I was sure she was gone I let the tears fall freely, quiet sobs wracking my body. I clung to my pillow, praying to God for guidance on my situation. My body was exhausted and soon sleep called with its siren song.