Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

The sounds of the city were deafening after the serenity of the graveyard. Once more my feet were slapping against the pavement of their own accord.
Would she even be home? What time was it? What day? My mind was spinning so fast I could barely keep up. I fingered the business card, worrying my lower lip as I made my way to Caroline’s apartment.
What if she wasn’t home? My steps faltered, stomach clenching uncomfortably. Then I would just wait, I decided.
The streets were busy, filled with people going about their day. I found it amusing how life could continue for so many when it ended for one.
My stomach was grumbling loudly when I reached her apartment complex. The building was a tall brick structure. Its many windows gleamed in the sunlight. Somewhere high above me I heard the melodic voice of Frank Sinatra, crooning about Lady Luck. The awning of the building was green with gold trim.
My stomach clenched painfully when my eyes landed on the doorman. Would he keep me from getting in? Taking a deep breath, I hitched my bag and started forward.
“Hello there, little lady.” His greeting was friendly, his eyes bright, but he made no move to open the door.
“Hello,” I returned, keeping my head down as I walked past him. I tugged on the wrought iron bar of the door and was rewarded with a dull thunk. Locked.
“Forgot your pass key?” Once more his voice was light, yet seemed mocking.
My eyes darted to the black box beside the door. The red light blinked tauntingly at me. I turned to him, tucking my hair behind my ear. He was younger than I’d originally thought. His name tag declared that he was Mo.
“Mo?” I blurted before I could stop myself.
“Short for Moses. And you are?”
“Looking for Caroline Fisher,” I hedged, looking back toward the door.
“Do you have a visitors pass?” His eyes moved over my body, causing goose bumps to riot over my flesh.
“She didn’t give me one,” I mumbled, taking a step back. Stupidly I held out her business card and tried not to tremble under his gaze.
A loud argument broke out down the street, catching my attention. It was a couple, and the man looked angry. Very angry. The woman looked none too happy either. She was right up in his face, yelling obscenities.
“Don’t mind them. They’re at it every morning.”
I kept my eyes on the woman. She was gorgeous. Her skin was dark as chocolate, her hair a fiery orange that somehow suited her perfectly. She said something to the man, pushed him aside then sauntered down the street.
“Miss?”
I yelped when Moses placed his hand on my shoulder; jerking away from him I pressed a hand to my chest, my heart thudding against my ribs my breath tore at my throat.
“Hey, easy. I didn’t mean anything by it.” His eyes, they were brown, were kind as they searched mine. His hand hovered between us, as if unsure of what to do. He was handsome, but handsome had a way of turning deadly.
“Please, I just need to talk to Caroline.” My voice hitched as I clung to my bag, knuckles white. “Please.”
Moses stared at me as tears slipped down my cheeks. I saw him relent. Watched his body sag. My heart fluttered as he moved toward the door, pulling a pass key from his pocket.
“I could lose my job for this. I’ve obviously lost my mind,” he muttered, swiping the card through the slot.
“Thank you so much. I won’t say anything.” I dashed for the door, pulling on the bar. It opened easily for me. I breathed a sigh of relief as I stepped into the lobby.
“Hey, lady,” Moses called.
I turned, trying to hide my nerves as I looked at him.
“Don’t forget to ask Caroline for a guest pass.”
My breath rushed out of me as I nodded turning and walking toward the elevator. I leaned against the silver doors slid closed. Finally, I would be able to see Caroline.
The ride up was smooth, the carriage coming to a stop with a soft chime. The doors slid open to a plush hallway. The walls were beige, the carpet a heather grey. I looked down at the rows of burgundy doors with gold lettering. This floor was quiet, everyone at work or out running errands, I supposed. I moved down the hall, glancing at the numbers. Nothing had changed, everything stayed the same. How was that possible? How could nothing change when everything had?
C5. My heart leapt, a smile lifting my lips for the first time today. I stopped with my hand raised, fear seeping into my bones. What if she wasn’t home and I had to wait? How long could I wait until someone reported me? Would it be Moses? He’d been nice to me, but my manner had been less than normal.
I shook off those thoughts and rapped on the door. I hoped she was home. Maybe if God hadn’t left me I’d have prayed. I needed to see her face, and I was starving.
The wait seemed endless, though it was mere seconds before the door opened. A sweet floral scent reached out and enveloped me. The scent screamed of home and tears blurred my vision as I threw myself into Caroline’s arms.
“Ashley!” Surprise colored her voice, but her arms wrapped around me, held tightly. She closed the door with her foot, leading me to the couch. I collapsed onto it, struggling to gain control over my emotions. I could see the questions forming in her eyes when she pulled me back, examining my face.
“Ashley, what happened? Why are you here?”
I had no more than opened my mouth when it all came pouring out; Jessica, Kirk, Dr. Johnson, the rape, everything.
“Oh, baby.” Caroline pulled me to her, holding me tight. Her hands never stilled; she stroked my face, my hair, my back, all the while murmuring softly. My sobs shook us both, but she never let me go.
“I’m so sorry Ashley, I’m so sorry.” Tears streaked her cheeks. Tucking my hair behind my ears, she pressed her lips to my forehead. “Would you like to pray?”
I jerked back as if I’d been slapped. “I don’t believe anymore.”
Caroline gaped at me, at a loss for words. Could it really be so hard for her to believe? What reason did I have to believe? Everything had been taken from me. Unable to look at her any longer I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my arms.
“Ashley,” She started, but seemed to think better of it. She rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Her steps were soft as she padded back into the living room. She pressed a glass of water to my hand. I accepted it, drinking greedily. My stomach rumbled loudly when the water hit it. Caroline smiled down at me.
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Breakfast.”
She moved back into the kitchen. Dishes clinked against tile, the refrigerator whispered open and closed, and the crinkling of a bag teased my ears. I lifted my head when she came back in. She held out a plate with a hearty meat sandwich and sour cream and onion chips. My favorite.
I dug in, tearing at the sandwich in my haste to fill my empty stomach. Caroline looked away, a smile on her lips, as she allowed me my moment of savagery. The food didn’t stand a chance against a hungry teen. In moments nothing was left but crumbs.
“Thank you,” I whispered, sipping water. Once more she said nothing, just stood and took my plate to the kitchen where it clinked into the sink.
“Ashley,” my eyes locked on hers as she knelt before me. “Does Margret know you’re here?”
Pressing my lips together I shook my head slowly. I closed my eyes against the look in hers. I couldn’t lie to her. “I ran away.”
“Ashley,” Caroline shook her head, pulling her hands through her hair. I noticed then that she’d cut it. It fell in loose waves to her shoulders. I wondered when she’d done that. “You shouldn’t have done that. You should have called me and asked me to come get you. I might have been able to help you.”
I looked at her in horror. “Might? What do you mean? How could I have called you without Margret finding out? She doesn’t believe anything happened!”
My chest heaved; I couldn’t seem to get my breath.
“Calm down. There are certain avenues that must be traversed in situations like this. You didn’t call the police; you didn’t go to a doctor.”
I hadn’t called her. That was what she wasn’t saying. I could feel the hurt, as if it were my own. All the months I’d lived in a stupor, it had never once crossed my mind to call her.
“I didn’t know what to do.” I whispered, looking at my feet. Tears were clawing at my throat once more, but I fought them back. “I just wanted to come home.”
“Ashley, I have to report this.” Her voice was soft, yet firm.
My head jerked up in shock. Report this? What the hell did that mean? Once more she ran her hands through her hair and I saw it. A slight glint. I jumped up, grabbing her hand and yanking it to me. The ring was beautiful, simple and glorious at the same time. Just like Caroline. Betrayal sliced through my gut.
“Who is he?” I demanded, glaring at her.
“Thomas Howard. He’s a lawyer who works closely with my firm.” She waved her hand as if it didn’t matter. “Ashley, you can’t stay here. I’ll have to place you in a temporary home until we can conduct an investigation. Since you never reported anything, it will only make things more difficult. I’ll have to see about homes for the other children,” Her words trailed off as she searched for a notebook, oblivious to me.
I stared at her, this woman who was now a stranger. Temporary care? Couldn’t stay here? Blood rushed through my head, pounding in my ears downing out all sound. Who was this woman? Where had my Caroline gone? With a grunt of rage I slapped the phone out of her hand, shaking in anger.
“Ashley! What they hell are you doing?” Shock and annoyance ran across her face. And suddenly I didn’t know her at all.
I grabbed my bag and ran from the room. I could hear her calling my name as I pounded down the hall, my steps muffled by the carpet. I bypassed the elevator and took the stairs two at a time, my mind spinning. All I could think of, all I could feel was her betrayal. Not even she wanted me.
I slammed into the lobby and rushed the main doors. I slammed in Moses in my haste, but didn’t stop. I could hear him calling for me, soon joined by Caroline, but I kept running. I just kept running.
Alone. I was alone.
Always alone.

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Hot water rained down my shoulders as I lowered my head into the spray, my tears mixing with the water. My mind was numb; I couldn’t feel much of anything. Despair filled my soul. How many times was this going to happen to me? Covering my mouth with my hand, I sobbed. I didn’t know how much more I could take. If my Boppie had been there she would have told me God was testing me. That the Devil was playing tricks with my soul.

Blood trickled down my leg, mixing with the water, diluting itself as it journeyed to the drain. I wanted to believe. Desperately wanted to believe God was watching out for me. But if that was the case, why would all these things have happened? If God truly loved and cared for me then He would not have allowed my father to molest me, He wouldn’t have allowed Kirk to…to…

Sobs wracked my body once more. I fell to my knees with a pitiful whimper.

Where’s your God now?

His words haunted me, yet made me question. Where was God? Had he deserted me? Deemed me unworthy of his love? I didn’t know. But it sure seemed like he was ignoring my prayers.

I flinched at the knock on the door. My heart sped nine to the dozen in my chest, stealing my breath. The door creaked open and I curled into a ball, shivering despite the hot water. It was Kirk, back for more.

“Ashley?” Jessica’s voice was soft and filled with concern. The curtain was pulled back and she looked down at me, her eyes going wide.

“Oh God, are you okay?” She knelt down beside the tub, switching off the water and yanking a towel off the rack.

I peeked at her over my knees, my lips trembling. I wondered how I looked to her. Naked as I was I couldn’t hide the bruises blooming along my wrists, thighs and ribs. My lower lip felt swollen and sore.

“Y-you fell down the stairs? Kirk said you fell?”” Her wide green eyes searched mine as I stared blankly ahead. Her voice was hopeful, wanting to believe his lie when proof sat trembling before her. Her eyes welled with tears as she wrapped the towel around me and pulled me close.

Her arms were steel bands around my limp body. I shuddered, gasping as the numbness was yanked away and I felt. Oh God, how I felt. With a fierceness I didn’t know I had I wrapped my arms around Jessica, clinging to her. Her quiet sobs shook me, each one bringing a painful memory.

“Where’s your God now.” I muttered the words like a mantra as she lifted me from the tub and into her lap.

“Shh, hush now. I’m here.” Her hands were soft, comforting, and I felt she would do her best to protect me. Just as I knew her best wouldn’t be enough.

“Where’s your God now.”

**********

Margret was either the most naive woman I’d ever met, or truly believed there was some good to be found in her son, for she believed him when he told her I’d fallen down the stairs.

Wrong though it may have been, I denied any need to go to the doctor. The only doctor I knew was Doctor Johnson, I knew he’d see the truth behind the lies, but I couldn’t bring myself to reveal my weakness.

I lived the life of a zombie for the next several weeks. Jessica forced me to get up, to eat, to shower. I began to hate her for it. Why should I live? God had left me. My life was destined to pain. Why perpetuate the cycle?

My eyes had been opened to life’s horrors, and I could no longer shut them out.

Mena and Theresa had tried at first to bring me out of my stupor. Soon though, they gave up. Smart people will only beat their heads against stone walls for so long.

Margret watched me closely, as if she feared I would off myself or something. I’d thought about it, for sure. But if my mother had done nothing else right, she had instilled in me a sense of right and wrong. And I knew that taking my own life was wrong.

And yet…

Dinners were the worst. I hated sitting there, all eyes on me. Some part of me knew this was unhealthy; knew this haze I lived in everyday was bad for me. And yet I did nothing to change it. I picked at my dinner, barely touching it. I’d lost five pounds already and could see the worry in Margret’s eyes.

I did what I could to stay away from Kirk. His eyes were hungry and always on me. I woke in cold sweats each night afraid he would be there standing over me, demanding more.

There were nights I wish he would be there when I woke. The physical trauma would be much easier to bear than the emotional beating I was taking.

I began to dread the coming of school. I could barely contain myself here, what would I be like in a school of hundreds? No matter what I did, August kept coming. It didn’t seem to matter how tightly I closed my eyes, how hard I wished for time to rewind itself. Nothing changed. Nothing but me. Every day I broke just a little bit more. I wasn’t sure how much more of myself I could lose.

“Ashley! Dinner!”

I was laying in bed as was usual, curled up in the blankets. I ignored the call. The thought of eating turned my stomach. Footsteps sounded on the stairs and I rolled onto my side, burying my face into the pillow.

Please, just let them leave me alone.

“Ashley?”

I tensed at the sound of Jessica’s voice. I was a stranger to her now. Funny how a few months could change someone.

Funny. Haha.

“Ashley, its dinner time.”

I pretended not to hear her. Maybe if she thought I was asleep she would just go away and leave me alone.

No dice. I sighed as I felt the bed give to her weight. Twitched when she placed her hand on my hip.

“Ashley…you can’t keep doing this. You’re killing yourself.”

Why should she care if I lived or died? I was nothing to her. She’d gotten what she wanted. Kirk had gotten what he’d wanted. And I was left broken.

“You know why I can’t go down to dinner.” My voice was muffled by pillows, and raw with emotion. My skin itched at the thought of spending an hour sitting across from Kirk, his eyes on me, measuring.

“What is it this time? Afraid Mena’ll steal your meatball?” Jessica scoffed, taking her hand from me.

“Kirk. It’s always Kirk.” I whispered, hating the taste of his name on my tongue.

“Jesus, Ashley, how many times are you gonna try to cause trouble here?”

The disgust in her voice had me turning, confusion coloring my face as I tried to make sense of the emotions riding across hers.

“What are you talking about?”

“You! Ever since you got here you’ve messed everything up!” She launched herself off the bed to pace the room, her hands clenched into fists, her face twisted with rage.

“It was perfect. Everything was perfect, and then Margret got the call. My life was going so right! Kirk was starting to notice me and in two years I’d be out of here and with him. Then she brought you home!” She whirled on me, green eyes flashing with what could only be called loathing.

“I saw how he looked at you. How he watched you. How you encouraged him!”

I shook my head, my heart racing in my chest, tears burning my throat.

“No, Jessica, no.”

“Shut up! He talked about you. And you just ate it up, didn’t you? You loved knowing he wanted you more than me!”

Tears slid down my cheeks as I shook my head fervently.

“You can’t believe that.” I whispered.

“You hated that he chose me. You couldn’t just let me be happy, could you? You had to steal him away from me! Dangle your barely there goods and make him drool!”

I stared at her, unable to speak, unable to breathe even. She couldn’t mean what I thought, I had to be wrong. I had to be wrong.

“Jessica, Kirk…Kirk raped me.”

Pain flared white hot, blinding me. My cheek burned from the impact of her hand. Yet I couldn’t cry. Shock filled me, but I couldn’t cry.

“That’s your story, you little slut.” Her eyes flared with hatred as she raised her hand again.

The blow grazed off my raised forearm hard enough to knock me back. My breath whooshed out of me as she jumped on me, straddling me.

“He still talks about you, you know. Says what a sorry lay you were.” Her face was inches from mine, her breath hot on my face.

“You know what else he says?” She baited me.

I whimpered, too weak to fight her off, too broken to care.

“He says he’s going to do it again. And next time, he’ll bring friends.” She shoved me deeper into the bed, causing me to cry out in pain.

My agony made her laugh, a hard, bitter sound. She climbed off me and moved to the door.

“You’re pathetic, just like your mother. No wonder Daddy Dearest killed her.”

The door clicked shut behind her. The only sound in the room the ticking of the clock and my pounding heart.

Slowly I rose from the bed, each move an agony, and walked to the dresser. My reflection stared back at me. Who was this person? Who was this sad, pathetic, broken little girl before me? Limp hair and hollow eyes stared back at me.

In my mind I screamed at hear. Why didn’t she stand up for herself? Why didn’t she fight back?

“Where’s your God now?”

The memory of those words made me flinch and cry out. I fell to the floor, my body overcome by shudders. On the verge of hysteria I crawled back to the bed, my sanctuary, and climbed into it. Pulling the covers over my head I closed my eyes and shut out the world.

********************

I slipped out of bed as the early pre-dawn light kissed the windows. Squatting down, I pulled my backpack from under my bed. Across the room, Jessica snorted and rolled over. Quietly I crept to the dresser. I’m not staying here any longer, I thought as I started stuffing clothes into my backpack.

Jeans, socks, underwear, sweaters, I shoved it all into my bag. I hesitated as my hand brushed my mother’s letter. Her final words to me. Blinking, I grabbed it and shoved it into the bag.

Somewhere, anywhere, had to be better than another moment here. I looked up, caught by my reflection. I stared at myself, my long hair unkempt, but it was my eyes that caught my attention. A spark, though tiny, glowed within them. Maybe I wasn’t so broken after all.

As the rest of the house awoke, ready to start their day I went through the motions. Comb your hair, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, ignore Kirk, avoid Jessica; all the while thinking, plotting, planning.

“Ashley! You’d better get a move on! You’ll miss the bus.” Margret snapped her fingers before me, shaking her head. “What is with you lately?” She muttered, shuffling away.

Quickly I downed my orange juice, grabbed my bag and darted outside. My feet slapped against the pavement as I ran toward the bus stop. I’d made it out of the house before Kirk and Jessica, now I just needed to make it to the bus stop. Then I could disappear.

A low rumble sounded behind me. I glanced over my shoulder as the yellow bus lumbered up the street.

“No, no, no!” Panting I pushed harder, my legs pumping. The bus shuddered to a stop. Mena and Theresa climbed on, little Benny behind them. With a squeak the doors slid closed and the bus rumbled away in a cloud of exhaust.

“Shit.” I kicked the ground, bending over and placing my hands on my knees as I sucked in air. It didn’t matter. It only meant more walking. Squaring my shoulders I hitched my bag up higher and started on.

A breeze teased my face, playing its fingers through my hair. For the first time in my life I felt light, free.

“Want a ride?”

Instantly my skin went cold, tight. I stopped in my tracks, my heart pounding as I turned. Kirk and Jessica stared out at me from the Jeep. Kirk wore a light, teasing smile, his eyes sliding over my body.

“Looking good, Ash.” He winked.

“Ugh, let’s go, Kirk. Look at her, she’s shaking. Pathetic.” Jessica flipped her hair over her shoulder, turning from me.

“Just let her walk, Babe. I’ll make it worth your while.” She purred, leaning closer.

I watched in disgust as his eyes darkened, his color rose.

“See you at school, Ash.”

Kirk licked his lips at me, an obscene gesture, then gunned the engine and sped off down the street. My body shook as I watched the Jeep disappear.

Bastard, that bastard!

Fury fueled my steps as I started forward. How could he? How could I? Why did I let him do this to me? My nails bit into my palms as I raced down the sidewalk, my backpack slapping against me.

Thump, thump, thump.

Tears poured down my cheeks. This is it. My chance. I didn’t need Margaret with her rapist son. I didn’t need Jessica. Bipolar bitch.

Concrete gave way to dirt, and dirt to grass before I stopped, lungs burning. I looked around, wiping tears and snot from my cheeks. I didn’t have to wonder where I was. How I’d made it across town so quickly was beyond me.

For late August the air was still warm, Summer still had her claws in the season, refusing to release it to Autumn. The grass was springy beneath my feet as I made my way. Sunlight glinted off the plaques, the scent of flowers tinged the air. Color ran rampant here, in this place of quiet and loss.

I blinked when my feet stopped. I stared down at the headstone, my pulse thrumming in my ears.

“Here lies Lilly Elizabeth Jones, Loving wife and Mother.”

"Loving?" I snorted, rage boiling inside me. "If you were loving you would have left that monster!" I shouted at the slate gray headstone.

I wanted to kick it, hit it, tear it apart. Something; anything to dull the pain and rage. But broken toes would do me no good. I paced in front of the headstone anger ruling my thoughts.

"Why didn't you leave him Mom? Why did you freaking stay? You knew what kind of monster he was! You should have been able to see how black his damn soul was! Why did you stay?"

"Why didn't you love me enough to take me away? Why weren't you strong enough to walk away and save yourself!?"

I sank to my knees, the grass damp with early morning dew. My chest heaved as I cried. Fists balled I pounded the ground.

"It’s your fault! All of it! Him killing you, me being molested, raped. Tortured! How could you leave me here like this!” Throwing back my head I screamed. I screamed out my rage, my panic, my pain, my loss. I screamed until I was afraid I wouldn’t quit.

I grabbed great handfuls of grass and tugged. The lush lawn ripped free of the ground, dirt caked under my nails. I hurled the handfuls of ground at the headstone.

My body spent I fell over, sobbing. I curled up against the cold stone, shaking with my tears.

“He hurt me, mommy. He hurt me so bad. I’m so lost.”

The sun crept higher in the sky, birds sang and squirrels danced. In the distance I heard the steady thrum of cars. Blips of rock, rap and Jazz filtered to me. A leaf slithered on the wind, twisting and twirling before slapping me in the face. The shock brought me out of my stupor. I unwound myself from the headstone, wincing at the stiffness.

Slowly I got to my feet, shouldered my bag and stared at the headstone.

Here lies Lilly Elizabeth Jones.

”Why didn't you leave?" I whispered, suddenly exhausted. "Why didn't you just leave?"